


State of Grace

by kadaransmuggler



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - No Reapers, Dog adoption, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Guilt, Insomnia, Nightmares, PTSD, Slow Burn, Surgery, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Trust Issues, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Will recieve a major overhaul once i conclude the story, slices of life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-28
Updated: 2017-05-09
Packaged: 2018-08-18 06:22:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8152159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kadaransmuggler/pseuds/kadaransmuggler
Summary: Commander Allison Shepard failed to kill Kai Leng in one of the final battles against Cerberus. She has a feeling it'll come back to bite her in the ass.It doesn't.





	1. we learn to live with the pain

“Fuck you, Leng,” Allison spat, standing over the assassin. Her nose had been broken, blood was dripping down her face, but she’d won. His visor was cracked, his hand was clutching his ribs, but he looked just as angry as she felt.

“Shepard, come on, we don’t have time for this!” Garrus called out, a few feet away. He was kneeling in front of Miranda- the biotic had taken a bullet to the stomach. She glanced over at them, wiped the back of her hand across her mouth, smearing the blood. She glanced back down at Kai Leng.   


“Go ahead. End it,” he snarled, and Allison shook her head, stepping back. The street behind her burned, flames from a crashed shuttle illuminating her. 

“My team’s more important,” she said, and then she was gone, calling for emergency transport and lifting Miranda gently. 

She spared one last glance at him, over her shoulder as she stepped into the shuttle. The doors shut behind her, and he struggled to his feet. 

* * *

The war was won a few scant days later. Allison executed the Illusive Man herself, in the corner he’d backed himself into, after killing hundreds of his men to get there. She didn't hesitate when it came to _his_ life.  

There was a ceremony a few days later. She could barely focus long enough to give her speech and recieve her medal. Later, Hackett would speak to her in his office. 

“The doctors have told us you’re no longer fit for duty, Allison,” he said, and there was an finality to his tone that made Shepard snarl. 

“What’s their reasoning?” she asked, shifting her weight uneasily from one foot to the other. 

“Your psych eval came back,” he said, and Shepard sighs, all the fight draining out of her. She leaned against the door, pressed the heels of her palms against her eyes. She knew what it meant. She should have just lied on the damn thing.

“I’m keeping Normandy, even if I have to steal it,” she says, finally. Admiral Hackett gives her a small smile. 

“I’ll see what I can do,” he promises. 

They tell her that she can keep Normandy because she’s still a Spectre and Specters need their ships. She gathers up her crew and leaves the next day. 

* * *

Some of them want to return to their lives. Allison cannot fault them for that, if she had a life to return to, she would have done so gladly. Instead, this was all she knew, fighting and running, a few steps away from death at all times. 

In the end, she has a scant crew to take on the ground, and a scant crew to keep the Normandy running. Garrus sticks with her, EDI and Joker, too, and Liara says her best place for a base of operations is by Allison’s side. Zaeed even sticks around, telling her that she needs someone to do all the hard work. Miranda joins back up, even though she won’t be cleared for duty for awhile yet, but she insists that her sister join the ship’s crew. Allison can’t complain- Miranda is one of the best fighters she’s seen and an even better friend. 

In the end, there are fewer of them than ever before, but somehow she thinks it’s all going to be okay.

Their first stop is the Citadel. “You’ve earned the shore leave,” Allison tells them, and they throw another party that leaves her apartment trashed for days. 

* * *

It is a month before they resume any sort of work, and even then Allison only took a few mercenary jobs out in the Terminus systems. They were rarely in Council space, only heading back to the Citadel after months on the job for a few weeks of shore leave. They spend most of their time near Omega- Aria owed her after the war and the criminal hotspot was the perfect place to disappear.  
  
That is where she is the next time she sees him. She is alone, walking confidently through the dingy back alleys to get to the main market, and then she is pressed against the grimy, gritty wall, a knife to her throat. 

"Hello, Shepard," he says, and her answering grin is almost feral. 


	2. keep your friends close and your enemies closer

“Leng,” Allison greets, like he doesn’t have a knife to her throat, and then she shoves him away, the knife clattering to the ground. He comes back at her with a vengeance, his fist swinging. She’s too slow ducking- it catches her nose. Blood spills down her face, but she doesn’t think he broke it. 

 

She hisses, her fist flying towards his face. He ducks, but she anticipated that, and lands the blow on the side of his head. He staggers backwards, feeling dazed. She starts towards him again, but when he recovers his foot lands a solid kick on her ribs. 

 

She lets out a startled yelp, and her hands grab his arm as she falls. He lands heavily on top of her, his hands splayed out by her head. “This is going to be awkward if someone walks through here,” she mutters. He grits his teeth and pushes himself back into a sitting position. Allison sits up. 

 

“What is that you want, anyway? Why are you throwing yourself at me?” she asks. He is breathing heavily, and she can feel the glare she’s giving him behind that visor. 

 

“I want my life back. You took it from me,” he spits. Allison sighs, wiping the back of her hand across her forehead. 

 

“Your life with Cerberus? God, Leng, I’ve seen it, and it’s shit. I gave you an out,” she says, but she takes a closer look at him, now that she’s got a moment to breathe. He’s smaller than she remembers, his clothes hanging off of him awkwardly. He looks like he hasn’t had a meal in a few days, a bath in even longer, and she hates to admit that she almost feels sorry for him. 

 

“I have nothing now. No one’s willing to hire me for anything, with my ties to Cerberus. There’s a bounty on your head that could set me up for months," he says, although some of the venom is gone. 

 

“I…hadn’t thought of that,” she admitted. 

 

“People like you never do,” he shoots back, and Allison closes her eyes and sighs before pushing herself to her feet. Her ribs scream in protest, and if he hadn’t cracked them, he’s at least bruised them. 

 

She holds out her hand, a silent offer to help him up. He glares at her warily for a moment, and then accepts it, letting her pull him to his feet. 

 

“Come work for me,” she says, and he lets out a bitter laugh. 

 

“Right. Why would I do that?” he replies, and she glances down at his hand, still in hers. 

 

“I’ve seen you fight. You’ve got talent. I could use that. And it looks like you could use the three square meals a day, and a safe place to sleep at night,” she says. He follows her gaze down, and yanks his hand back as if he’d been burned. 

 

“Why would you trust me?” he asks. 

 

“I don’t. You just held a knife to my throat in an alley. But I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt,” she answers. 

 

“Would you crew trust me?” 

 

“No. But they don’t have to,” she answers. 

 

“…I’ll do it,” he says, and he must have been closer to starving than she thought. 

 

“Okay. If anyone asks, I was mugged, and you saved my ass,” she told him, turning to walk. He falls into step beside her. It’s…unsettling, to have her once-enemy walking at her side like a friend. 

 

“Why lie to your crew?” he asks. She shrugs. 

 

“I doubt they’d accept the truth. Now, come on, we need to get you some new clothes if I allow you anywhere near my ship,” she says. He stops short in the mouth of the alley. 

 

“I can’t pay you back,” he says, when she turns to face him. 

 

“Consider it your first payment,” she tells him, and then they resume walking. 

* * *

 

Garrus was the first one to see him step onto the Normandy, just behind Allison. 

 

“I hope you have a damned good explanation for this,” Garrus says, crossing his arms. Shepard gives him a grin. 

 

“Got mugged. The bastard saved my life, so I figured I’d repay the favor,” she answers easily. Garrus sighs, a look of severe disappointment painting his features. Kai Leng steps even closer to Allison, pulling his coat around him. The Normandy was so…clean. 

 

“I trust you know what you’re doing, Allie. But the rest of the crew isn’t going to be happy,” Garrus says. 

 

“I know. But trust me,” Shepard says, and then she leads Leng through the rest of the ship. 

* * *

“I’m going to take you up to my cabin first and let you shower. After that, you can get the tour. You’ll be sleeping in the crew barracks with everyone else; I’ll make sure they won’t bother you. We’re headed to the Citadel next, someone wants to see me about a job and everyone’s earned some shore leave. You can take that time to familiarize yourself with the idea of working for me. If you need a place to stay there, my apartment has an extra room,” she says. 

 

“…Shouldn’t I shower in the crew’s restrooms?” he asks. 

 

“I was going to tell them about you first,” she admits. 

 

“If you think it’s best,” he agrees, cautiously, as they step into the elevator. 

 

“I do. I’ll let you sleep in late tomorrow- you look like you need it. After that, I expect you to wake up with the rest of the crew. We’ll get you examined by Dr. Chakwas, as well,” Allison tells him. 

 

“I…appreciate this,” he tells her, as the elevator opens in front of her cabin. She enters the code and the door slides open. 

 

The room is bathed in blue from the fish tank. The rest of the lights are off, and there is soft, classical music playing from the radio beside her bed. The first thing Kai notices, however, are the model ships she has hanging up. Her collection is impressive. 

 

She shows him to the shower, tells him to come down to deck three when he’s finished, and then turns and disappears out the door. 

* * *

The crew didn’t trust him. The crew didn’t want to trust him. They’d spent too long fighting him, only for Allison to turn around and offer him sanctuary in their home. They did, however, promise to be polite, and Allison supposed that was the best she could hope for. 

 

She made sure he got a hot meal right after his shower, and he ate like he’d never eat again. Afterwards, she let Chakwas examine him. He was mostly healthy, fit for light duty as he recovered from his stint on Omega with little food and less sleep. 

 

EDI promised to help him navigate the ship in the middle of the night, should he need it, and then Shepard finally made it to her quarters alone, exhausted. She took a shower of her own, scrubbing the sweat and the blood away. A massive bruise blossomed over her ribs, in the shape of Leng’s boot. As much as it hurt, it was impressive. Her nose was, thankfully, not broken, and that was the extent of her injuries. It wasn’t bad, she thought, for a scrabble like that. 

 

When she laid down on her bed, she found she was too wound up to sleep. She watched the stars, knowing it’d be a long night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm taking some major liberty with Leng's personality, both in this chapter and throughout the rest of the fic. I'm basically making him my own character because we don't see much of his personality in-game. With everything that's happened since in this fic, I thought it'd be make sense for him to be a changed person (and also easier to write.)


	3. if i crash on your couch, can i sleep in my clothes?

They make good time to the Citadel, and the crew scatters when they’re cleared to disembark. Allison leads the way through the Presidium, Kai a few steps behind her, dodging around other people. As they get inside the sky car, she notices that he is hunching in on himself, as if he is trying to make himself smaller and less noticeable.

 

“You okay?” she asks him. He turns to look at her, and it is a moment before he answers. 

 

“I haven’t been to the Citadel since…before,” he answers, and there is a sudden moment of understanding. 

 

“Shit, I didn’t think of that. We’ll be at my apartment soon,” she promises, and he gives her a wry grin. 

 

“Well, that should drastically decrease my chances of being recognized,” he replies, and she chuckles. 

 

“It’s usually hard to recognize someone when they’re not easily visible to most of the world,” she says, nudging him gently. There is a faint smile on his face, and he cannot remember the last time he smiled. 

* * *

Her apartment is…not what he expects. It is clean and spacious and modern, and there are almost no signs that the famed Commander Shepard lives here, aside from a few pictures on the mantle. She directs him to the spare bedroom, which is sparse. 

 

“It’s…a nice place,” he says, and she grins at him. 

 

“I know it’s not got much in the way of…personal effects. Most of mine are on the Normandy. Still, Dad gave it to me, and there are a lot of fond memories here, believe it or not,” she says, making her way into the kitchen. He hasn’t seen her this relaxed before- she is barefoot and wearing loose clothing, her brown hair tied back. She looks younger than ever before, in this moment. 

 

“Your dad?” Kai asks, and Allison flashes a look at him before opening the refrigerator. 

 

“Yeah. Anderson, he…he adopted me after he found me. I used to run with a gang, the Tenth Street Reds, back on Earth, and Anderson’s the one who got me out. This apartment used to be his, but he wanted to retire to Earth after the war. So he gave it to me,” she says, frowning as she examines the contents of the fridge. There’s not much in it, just a few bottles of beer. She grabs a couple, offering one to him. 

 

“I wasn’t aware that you had any official family,” he says, accepting the beer, and his thoughts flash back to the dossier the Illusive Man had provided him. It gave the scant basics of Allison’s personality- most of it focused on how she fought and what she was willing to do. All he really knew about her was Torfan, and everyone knew that story about her. 

 

“Yeah, it’s not common knowledge. We wanted to keep it that way when I started getting big, in case anyone wanted to use him to get to me,” she explains, leading the way into the living room. With nothing else to do, he follows her. 

 

“That makes sense,” he comments, as she settles on the couch, curling up in the corner. 

 

“What about you? You have any family?” she asks. He sits down on the opposite end of the couch. 

 

“No. Not anymore. I haven’t had any for a long time,” he answers, and there is something soft and sad in his voice. 

 

“Okay, well, I have to ask. What’s the deal with the visor?” she asks, motioning to it. It is still cracked from their fight in London. 

 

“It’s wired into my implants. It’s impossible to remove without losing both of my eyes. There are some surgeries available, but they’re expensive, invasive, and risky. I think it was just another leash the Illusive Man used,” Kai answers. Allison swears under his breath. 

 

“I’m glad I killed him. He was a bastard,” she says, and he snorts. 

 

“I wish you’d left him alive. It would be have been a great relief to end him myself,” he answers. 

 

“Perhaps you could have, if you’d joined me from the beginning,” she tells him, but there is a teasing lilt to her tone. 

 

“That was an option?” he asks. She shrugs. 

 

“There were several former Cerberus members on my team. When the Illusive Man brought me back, I had an entire team made from what Cerberus gave me,” she says. 

 

“Why did he bring you back?” Kai asks. 

 

“I think he wanted to use me as a weapon against the Alliance. I suppose in the end it all just came back to bite him in the ass,” she says, drawing her knees up to her chest. 

 

“A lot of things did, I suppose,” he replies. 

 

“I suppose they did,” Allison says, and then she turns the television on, flicking through the channels until she settles on an old action movie. It was something she could enjoy mindlessly, her chin resting on her knees. 

* * *

She went to bed early that night. Kai wondered how she’d be able to sleep with him there, but supposed she’d already placed enough of her trust in him that it didn’t matter. He stayed up, feeling restless. There wasn’t anything on the television, there weren’t any books that caught his attention, and he was unused to this strange feeling of boredom. He ended up standing in front of the window, another beer in his hand as he watched the sky cars go by. 

 

It was midnight when she came shuffling down the stairs, looking like hell. He was still standing in front of the window, and he turned to look at her as she walked down the stairs. “Are you all right?” he asks, stiffly, hesitantly, unsure if he’s crossing some unspoken line between them. 

 

“I had a nightmare. What are you doing up?” she answers, leaning against the fireplace. 

 

“Couldn’t sleep,” he says, and she gives him a tired smile. 

 

“That’s something I’m all too familiar with. Want to drink with me?” she asks. He glances down at the beer in his hand. 

 

“Wouldn’t you be drinking with me?” he asks. She grins. 

 

“I meant real alcohol. Something that’ll make us stupid,” she says. 

 

“…You want to get drunk with me?” he asks, incredulous. 

 

“I just want to get drunk, chase some old ghosts away. You just happen to be here,” she says, and there is a crooked grin on her face. 

 

“…Okay,” Kai says, because he knows there’s no other way he can get some sleep, and somehow the nightmares come less often when he’s blackout drunk. Maybe that’s why she offered. Maybe that’s why she needs it, too. He follows her through the house, to the bar. 

* * *

In the end, they are stupid drunk at the bar, Allison clinging to the edge of it to stay on her stool. “I still don’t know why you’re trusting me,” Kai says, and he is leaning back against the counter, his legs kicking out in front of him absentmindedly. 

 

“I don’t. But I can kick your ass, so that’s close enough to trust,” Allison explains, and he grins at her. He’s been doing that a lot, tonight, it seems, and he hasn’t felt like this since long before the war. 

 

“Can you even stand up right now?” he asks, and Allison’s eyes widen before she’s laughing, curled over, her fingers holding a white-knuckled grip on the edge of the counter. Her ribs are shrieking in protest at the motion, but she can’t stop the laughter bubbling up from her chest. It’s infectious, he finds, and soon he is laughing too. Both of them are wondering what is so funny, but through the gasps and peals of laughter Allison finds that it is easier to breathe. 

 

“How did we end up like this?” Kai asks, as the laughter subsides. He looks over at her, at the blonde hair hanging in her eyes, at her face with her shining eyes. In this moment, he thinks that he has never seen anyone look prettier. 

 

“God, maybe it has something to do with the actual shit show that our lives have turned into,” she says, stretching out on the bar. Her cheek rests on her arm and she looks up at him. 

 

“Why didn’t you kill me? Why did you ask me to join you?” he asks. 

 

“The first time…I couldn’t let someone else die because I wanted revenge. And then…I saw you on Omega, and I’ve been there. Before I joined up with the Tenth Street Reds, hell, even after, I never knew when my next meal was coming or if I was going to wake up dead the next day. Someone gave me an out. I wanted to…I had to try and give you one, too,” she says. Something fragile hangs in the air between them. 

 

“I…appreciate it. More than you know. I don’t want you to think I don’t,” he says, and something in his breath hitches with the way she looks at him. She reaches up, putting a hand on his cheek. 

 

“I know, because I’ve been there. Just don’t waste it,” she tells him, and there is something hard and cold in her eyes. Some of those old ghosts, he thinks, or maybe she regrets the offer she gave him, the chance she's still giving him. He doesn't know. He doesn't ask.  

 

She thinks he looks so…soft, sitting there in the low light, his hair spilling messily around his face. She knows that she’s made the right choice, that saving him couldn’t have been wrong. She just hope he doesn't do anything to make her regret it. 

* * *

They wake up sprawled out on the floor in the morning, comforters spread across them, and wicked hangovers to battle. There is something new between them, something small and delicate that might shatter with a misspoken word. Allison does what Allison does best, promptly ignoring whatever this is between them now, staggering to the bathroom and promptly collapsing on the cold tile floor. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love heartfelt drunk conversations so here we are I guess. I hope their relationship isn't moving along too quickly- I have several scenes planned and a lot of them will give more information into Allison's thoughts around offering Kai Leng this chance. 
> 
> (I've also finished this late and am posting it with minimal editing. If there's any major typos, I'll get around to fixing them when I'm more of a person.)


	4. manage me, i'm a mess

The crew’s shore leave lasted three days. After that, Allison rounded them all up and headed out into the Terminus Systems. She kept a steady influx of work for a month and a half, working harder than anyone else on the ship. She took Kai on most of the ground missions, once Dr. Chakwas cleared him for regular duty. When he asked her why, she only told him that she wanted to get a feel for his place on the team. 

 

Her nightmares, it seemed, were getting worse. She slept little, and when she did sleep, she would dream of Torfan or some other, nameless battles she’d fought. She’d remember the men she’d killed and the blood on her hands, and there were times she woke screaming. 

 

He wasn’t sleeping well, either. He was restless, too keyed up to sleep, and when he did it was restless. There had been complaints about how he tossed and turned in his bunk. Often, he would wander the ship late at night until he felt tired enough to sleep. 

* * *

One night, when he couldn’t sleep, he was sitting in the mess hall. “Allison is also awake in her cabin, if you would like to go talk to her,” EDI said, over the comm, and he didn’t question it, merely making his way to the elevator. It was unusual, of course, but perhaps Allison had asked for him. 

 

She was crying, when he entered her cabin, curled up in the corner with a dent in the wall where she’d hit it. “Shit,” he swears, and then he is kneeling in front of her, taking her hands in his. Her knuckles are bruised and bloody and she’s lucky they aren’t broken. 

 

“Allison, talk to me,” he says, and she shakes her head, taking deep shuddering breaths. She pulls her hands out of his and scrubs at her eyes with the heels of her palms. 

 

“I’m sorry. You…No one was supposed to see me like this,” she says, and he wonders how long she has been on the edge of this breakdown. 

 

“Don’t worry about that,” he says, as she finally pulls her hands away from her eyes. They are bloodshot and swollen, and he wonders how long she has been crying. 

 

“This was a moment of weakness. It…should not be repeated,” she says, and he just shakes his head, pulling her against him. She tenses for a moment, and then relaxes into his touch, tucking her head under his chin. 

 

“You may be a legend, Allison, but you’re still human,” he tells her. She sighs, shifting to look up at him.

 

“It doesn’t matter what I am. I should be dead. Cerberus shouldn’t have…Dead things should stay dead,” she says.

 

“Is that what this is about? Or is there something else that’s wrong?” he asks, carefully. Allison shrugs. 

 

“At this point, I’m not even sure. I just…I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I don’t sleep much, and when I do, I have nightmares. I…I was discharged from the Alliance because of the results of my psych eval,” she tells him, and he knows instinctively that this is something she hasn’t told many other people. 

 

“I understand,” is all he says, and she warily leans against his chest again. His arms encircle her, and she feels…safe. As safe as she can in the arms of someone who tried to kill her before, that is, but somehow it is getting easier to forget the circumstances in which they met.

 

“Do you…Does it ever bother you? All the people you’ve killed?” she asks. He rests his chin on her shoulder, and she wonders how they have become so comfortable with each other. 

 

“It does. I have problems sleeping. I have problems relaxing. I hate it when it’s quiet, because it’s harder to forget,” he murmurs. She slips her fingers between his, linking their hands together. 

 

“Oh,” she murmurs, as his free hand moves up, playing with strands of her hair. 

 

“When I saw you on Omega, I attacked only in part due to anger. I knew you were better than me. You’d bested me before, and I was weaker than ever before. I…thought you were going to kill me,” he said, and there is something delicate blossoming between them. 

 

“People like us…we don’t get off easy like that,” she sighs in response. 

 

“Like us?” he asks, and there is an edge to his voice. She untangles herself from him, and pushes herself to her feet. She walks over to the fish tank, her arms crossed protectively over her chest. 

 

“I’m know what I am. I’m a killer, just like you. We were pawns on opposite sides of a war that shouldn’t have been fought,” she says. 

 

She doesn’t hear him stand or walk towards her, she only feels him hovering at her shoulder. She closes her eyes, the room highlighted for a few moments from the bright blue glow. 

 

“You were less of a pawn than I was,” he says, and there is an old anger there, lingering just under his words. 

 

“The Alliance does seem to treat their soldiers more like people,” she agrees, and then she turns to look at him, her eyes opening finally. With the blue glow behind her, lighting up his features, the whole scene looks almost surreal. 

 

“I’m beginning to wish I’d stayed in the Alliance,” he muttered. She takes a few steps away, to her bed, and sits down on the edge. She pats the space next to her, and he joins her. 

 

“If wishes were food, we’d all be fat and lazy,” she says, and then she lays down on her back, one arm behind her head and the other across her stomach. 

 

“What do you wish?” he asks. She keeps her gaze trained on the stars above the window. 

 

“I think, most of all, I wish I were a better person,” she says. Hesitantly, he lays down next to her. It is peaceful, he thinks, in the quiet space of their breaths, with the stars passing by above them. 

 

“You are a better person than anyone on this ship,” he tells her, and she lets out a humorless laugh. 

 

“I’m not. I’m one of the worst people on this ship,” she says, and he looks over at her. She is beautiful, like this, he thinks. 

 

“I don’t believe that,” he says, and then he turns on his side to face her. She looks at him, a slight frown on her face. 

 

“Well, I’m certainly not good,” she says, but there is amusement glittering in her eyes now. 

 

“We’ll just have to be terrible together,” he says, and then she laughs. 

 

“Very funny, you,” she says. 

 

They stay awake late that night, with a brief venture into the mess hall. In the morning, he wakes on her couch, with a blanket thrown over him. She is still sleeping soundly on her bed. Quietly, he leaves, sending a message to her omni-tool so she’ll know where he went. 

* * *

There is a battle raging around them. Intel had dropped the ball, and they were fighting for their lives. Shepard brought a fierceness to the battlefield that was unlike anything he’d ever seen before. It made her reckless, though, or at least that was the only explanation he could think of for the mistakes she was making. 

 

He didn’t have time to think, only time to act. He saw the grenade and then he was moving, jumping at Allison and knocking her down. He curled over her as the grenade went off, shrapnel pelting his back and making his shields spark out. 

 

“You saved my life,” Allison murmured, her eyes wide behind her visor. He rolled off of her, taking a moment while their enemies reloaded to catch his breath. 

 

“Just returning the favor,” he said, breathlessly, and then they were back into the fight, diving into cover. The blue of Allison’s biotics light up the battlefield as Kai peppers the enemies with bullets. 

 

When it was over, the two of them stood among the carnage. “We make a good team,” Allison says, wiping sweat and blood off of her forehead. 

 

“We do,” Kai agrees, and his grin mirrors hers. 


	5. far too young to die

They were on Illium when Allison saw Kelly. Her hair was still blonde, and much longer than before, but she seemed radiantly happy. “Hey, there, Kel, long time, no see,” Allison says, sliding onto the bar stool next to her. 

 

“Allison! It’s so good to see you! How’s everything going?” she asks. Allison motions to the bartender for a couple of drinks before giving Kelly her full attention. 

 

“It’s going. I’m retired from the Alliance, taking on merc work wherever I can get it. What about you?” she asks. 

 

“It’s…a little boring. I’ve got a desk job here on Illium, and while it pays well, it isn’t very fulfilling. I was thinking about a career change,” Kelly says, accepting the drink from the bartender. 

 

“Come back onto the Normandy. We could use you,” Allison says, taking a swig out of her drink. 

 

“Oh, I don’t know. Life on a war ship might not be for me anymore,” Kelly says. 

 

“Come for a trial run. We work out of the Terminus Systems, mostly, but we could use you. I’m sure the crew needs someone they can confide in,” she says. 

 

“Why’s that?” Kelly asks, her eyes bright with curiosity. 

 

“…We have a new crew member. Anyway, so much of the crew knows you, it’d be good for them,” she says. 

 

“When are you leaving Illium?” Kelly asks, after a few moments of silence. Allison signals the bartender for another drink. 

 

“Three days. Thought we could restock, find some more work,” she answers. 

 

“Very well. I’ll pack my things. We can give this a test run, but if it doesn’t work out, I’d like for you to bring me back here,” Kelly says. Shepard gives her a smile. 

 

“Of course. I hope you want to stay with us, Kel,” she says, finishing her second drink and standing. Kelly hops down from the stool and pulls Allison into a quick hug. 

 

“I’ll see you later,” Kelly says. Allison returns the hug, smiling. 

 

“Of course. Laters,” she says, and then she is gone, leaving the bar and the glittering lights. 

* * *

“Allison, we need to talk. My office, now,” Kelly says, standing in the doorway, her arms crossed over her chest. She looks for all the world like a mother getting ready to scold a child, and so Allison shrugs and steps into her office. It has already been given the personal touches that make it warm and welcoming. A rug on the ground, some pillows in the chairs, some paintings on the wall, flowers on the desk. Allison took a seat in the chair closest to the door as Kelly walked around her desk, the door shutting behind her. 

 

“Why is Kai Leng on this ship?” Kelly asks. 

 

“He’s the new crew member I mentioned,” Allison says, somewhat sheepishly. Kelly crossed her arms again. 

 

“Usually, I trust you without question, Allie, but you’re going to have to do some explaining on this one,” she says. Allison sighs, leaning back, crossing her ankle over her knee. 

 

“You remember how I told you about my time with the Reds?” she asks. 

 

“Yes. It was…a horrible period in your life. Does that have some importance?” she replies. 

 

“Sort of. I found him on Omega, a few months ago. He was hungry and scared and angry, not that he’d ever admit half of that. He…reminded me of myself. When I was back with the Reds. Anderson gave me an out then, and I had to give him one. I couldn’t just…leave him,” she says, her voice softening.

 

“While that is noble and understandable, how do you know he won’t betray us? With his history...” Kelly says, uncrossing her arms. Her terminal dings and she reaches over, muting it. 

 

“Well, he did take a grenade for me the other day. You don’t do that for people you’re planning on fucking over,” she tells her. Kelly frowns. “Okay, fine. I don’t think he’ll fuck us over because we saved him. Or we helped him save himself. Either way, I gave him that out, and I…I think we’re almost friends,” she finishes. 

 

“You’re…almost friends with the man who tried to kill us, and you specifically, on multiple occasions?” Kelly asks. 

 

“Well, yeah. No one else would talk to him, he’s my responsibility, and I’m not big on awkward silences. I think…I think he’s trying to do better. To be better,” she says. Kelly pinches the bridge of her nose; she can feel a headache coming on. While she knew firsthand that people could change, could be better than what they used to be, she also knew that Allison was too close and too reckless. 

 

“I still don’t see how you could make that decision so easily,” she says. Allison simply shrugs. 

 

“I’m not entirely sure myself. If it makes you feel better, though, I can make regular psych checkups mandatory. You can talk to him yourself, get a feel for him,” she says, fiddling with the hem of her shirt. 

 

“That…might help. Are you sure you can trust him, Allie? I don’t want to see him betray you,” she says, her voice softening with worry. A soft, tired smile made it’s way onto Allison’s face. 

 

“I’m sure, for once,” she says. 

 

“Well, how are you doing? The crew’s worried about you, Allie,” Kelly says, changing the topic. 

 

“I’m fine, Kel, I promise,” she answers. 

 

“That’s not what Garrus says. He says you’ve been drinking. A lot,” she says, frowning. 

 

“It…It’s nothing. I’m fine, really,” Allison replied, shifting uneasily in her seat. 

 

“If you need me, you know where to find me,” Kelly says, dropping the matter. Allison smiles gratefully. 

 

“Of course. Thank you,” she says, and then she stands to go. Kelly doesn’t stop here, merely jotting a few notes down on a legal pad at her desk. 

* * *

It was another battle. Allison hadn’t been reckless, this time at least, but there were still too many bullets and too little cover, and when Kai darted out in the line of fire to place a turret, Allison jumped in front of him. Her shields sparked out and she took a bullet to the shoulder and a bullet to the thigh before he could raise a barrier in front of them. 

 

“You’re insane,” he tells her. Her grin gleams in the dark of the warehouse. 

 

“I am, but it just saved your life,” she calls back, pulling him into cover. 

 

“Yeah, it almost killed you though!” he protests as she slides to the ground. She blindly tosses a grenade towards their enemies, and while they’re distracted Kai enters the line of fire again, finishing them off. 

 

The sudden quiet around them makes Allison’s ears ring. She struggles to stand, but her thigh protests loudly and she falls back to the ground. Garrus calls for an evac shuttle while Leng slides her arm around his neck and helps her stand. 

 

“I’m not worth that. Don’t put yourself at risk for me again,” he mutters, helping her over to the lead slaver’s terminal. She sits down heavily in the chair while he starts hacking, his fingers flying over the keyboard. 

 

“I disagree. I think you’re worth it,” she says, quietly, and he glances at her over his shoulder. 

 

He doesn’t respond, although when he turns back to the terminal there is a faint smile on his lips. 

* * *

Dr. Chakwas tells Allison that she will have to stay in the med-bay overnight. Allison grumbled, but didn’t fight too much, settling into the uncomfortable cot as best as she could. When Kai comes to the med-bay after his shower, a book in his hand, he looks nervous. 

 

“What are you doing here?” Allison asks, nearly swinging her legs over the bed. A sharp glare from Chakwas keeps her in place, however. 

 

“I thought I’d come see you, since you took those bullets for me,” he murmurs. Behind him, Chakwas stands. 

 

“I’ll leave you two alone, give you some privacy,” she says, pulling the shades down in the window before stepping out the door. It closes behind her as Kai moves to sit on the edge of Allison’s bed. 

 

“We should stop getting into situations where one of us nearly dies for the other,” Allison says, a faint smile on her face. 

 

“Yes, I suppose we should,” he answers, and then her fingers link through his. 

 

“You don’t owe me anything,” she tells him softly, shifting so she can curl around him, her chin resting on his shoulder. 

 

“I’m not worth this. I’m not worth any of this,” he murmurs. 

 

“Neither am I,” she replies. He sighs, looking down at her hand in his. 

 

“I don’t want to argue about this,” he says, turning so he’s facing her. 

 

“Then we should agree that we’re both equally worthless and too stubborn and self-sacrificing for our situation to change,” she says, a wicked grin on her face and a gleam in her eyes. 

 

“That’s probably the only option that won’t end in some horrible, awful way,” he agrees. He rubs his thumb over her knuckles, over the fading scabs. 

 

There is a silence then, one that holds an impossible amount of things between them. 

 

“I’m surprised you trust me,” he whispers. 

 

“Why wouldn’t I? You’ve proven yourself,” she answers, her voice soft. His free hand comes up and cups her face. She leans into the touch, her eyes closing. 

 

“The things I’ve done to you…I don’t deserve anything from you. Least of all this,” he says. She fists her free hand in the blanket, and her eyes open again. 

 

“I told you before, looking at you is like looking in a mirror. If things had been different…if I hadn't defected from Cerberus…we’d have fought together anyway,” she murmurs. 

 

“Things weren’t different, though. I killed some of your closest friends. I tried to kill you. How can you just…forgive me?” he asks, his head tilting to the side as he lets his hand drop from her cheek. 

 

“I tried to kill you too, you know. I killed everyone in your squad. Why did you trust me?” she returns. 

 

“I didn’t, for a long time. I was expecting you to put a knife in my back at any moment,” he confesses.

 

“I was expecting one from you. Fuck, Leng, unhealthy paranoia is how we’ve stayed alive this long. But now? I trust you. As much as I trust any of the crew,” she says. 

 

“I never expected any of this. Not even the Illusive Man trusted me. I don’t…I don’t know where to go from here,” he admits. She gives him a soft and gentle smile. 

 

“I still don’t know how to handle the trust everyone puts in me. I guess that means we should both figure it out as we go,” she tells him. 

 

“I suppose so. Anyway, I didn’t come here to bother you with any of this,” he says. 

 

“And what did you come for?” she asks, a faint smile on her face. He raises the book. 

 

“I thought I’d read to you,” he tells her. 

 

“Well, I do like the sound of your voice,” she says, settling back against the pillows. She pats the space next to her, and after a moment of hesitation, he settles against them as well, shifting so that she can lay on his chest while he holds the book in front of them. He cracks open the book, and starts reading. 

 

When Chakwas enters the med-bay again, they have both fallen asleep, Allison sprawled over Kai, the book laying haphazardly on his lap, his thumb still marking the page they were on. She smiles to herself and places it on her desk, marking their place carefully, before turning the lights off, heading back to the crew’s quarters. 


	6. it's my life, i'm gonna take it back

They wake slowly and peacefully the next morning, the med-bay still empty aside from them. There is a sacred stillness in the air, even as they begin to move. Allison stretches slowly before relaxing against Kai again. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep here,” he murmurs, and his voice is rough with sleep. 

 

“I’m not. I think that was the best sleep I’ve had in a long time,” she replies. He stretches languidly, but makes no move to get up. 

 

“Oh?” he says, and she doesn’t have to tilt her head to know that he is grinning. 

 

“You are very comfortable,” she informs him, and she is suddenly very conscious of his arm around her waist and her head tucked under his chin. 

 

“I slept well, too. I never thought I’d be able to sleep well in a med-bay,” he says, and Allison chuckles. Her fingers tap a gentle rhythm on his chest, and if she had to pick a moment to stay in forever, it would be this one. 

 

It didn’t last. The door opened with a soft sound and Chakwas stepped through, a mug of coffee. “Well, Miss Allison, are you ready to go?” she asks. Allison sits up, Kai shifting awkwardly next to. 

 

“I am. It’ll be nice to take a shower and sleep in my own bed,” Allison admits, untangling the blanket from her leg. Kai reaches over and helps her, and she gives him a grateful smile. 

 

“You’ll likely still have to protect your leg while you shower, but that shouldn’t be too difficult. You’re still not cleared for duty, so don’t do anything stupid,” Chakwas says, unwrapping the bandages. The wound on her thigh is deep, but plenty of medi-gel and a night of rest did enough that she could walk again. Her shoulder was in much better shape, still an ugly gouge in her arm, but one that wasn’t nearly as bad. 

 

“…Does that mean I’m going to need one of those glorified trash bags for my leg?” Allison asks. Chakwas begins to re-bandage the leg.

 

“I’m afraid so,” she answers, and Allison groans. 

 

“I fell the last time I tried that. They’re so slick on the floor of the shower,” she complains. 

 

“I could wait in your room. If you fall, at least I can get the good Doctor,” Kai offers. He doesn’t tell her that he wants to stay with her. 

 

“I’d appreciate that,” Allison answers, and then she hisses when Chakwas applies the antiseptic. The sting is welcome, though.

 

“I don’t want you doing anything to strenuous either, Mr. Leng. You nearly shorted out your amp yesterday,” Chakwas reminds him. 

 

Kai shrugs. “It was that, or let our illustrious leader here take a few more bullets to the chest,” he says. Allison frowns, but she bites her tongue. 

 

Chakwas steps back. “Yes, well, you’re free to go, but do try to be careful. I expect you back down here after supper is served so I can change the dressing. Just get some rest,” she tells her, and Allison nods, awkwardly sliding off of the bed. She nearly stumbles, Kai reaches out to catch her just in time, and she grips his arm, her fingers flexing. 

 

“Sorry,” she murmurs, but they walk out of the med-bay together, his steps slow and patient and his grip unwavering. 

* * *

She doesn’t fall in the shower, but it is a close thing as she struggles into her clothes. Kai listens, moderately alarmed, to a litany of curses from his seat on the couch. “Do you need any help?” he calls out, and then the door opens and she is standing there in her underwear, tangled in a shirt. 

 

“I don’t know how this happened, but I need help,” she says, her voice muffled by fabric. His laughter is bright and brilliant, spreading through the room as he walks over to her, his hands moving gently as he adjusted the shirt until she could free her arms. 

 

She blinks up at him, and he is aware of how close they are and how little she is wearing. She shuffles closer, one hand fisting in the lapels of his coat. His hands move to rest hesitantly on her hips. “I-we…we can’t,” he says. 

 

“I think we’ve earned the right to do whatever we want,” she murmurs. He chuckles, his thumb stroking her skin. 

 

“I…I need to talk to you,” he says, She looks up at him, one corner of her mouth quirking up in that crooked grin. 

 

“I’m listening,” she says. 

 

“I want to undergo surgery. To remove my visor. It is a link to…them that I don’t want anymore. I want to put Cerberus behind me,” he says, and that is far from what she expected, and she takes a few steps back to sit on the edge of her desk, gripping the edge with her fingers. 

 

“Christ, Kai, are you sure? You could go blind or something! Do you even know how much it’ll be?” she asks. 

 

“I looked into it. It’ll take more money that I’ve got, but I thought I could convince you to pay me in advance. I need to do this, Allie,” he says, and Allison is momentarily stunned by the use of her nickname. 

 

“You…called me Allie?” she says. He furrows his brows. 

 

“Yes? Should I not do that?” he asks. 

 

“I…no, it’s fine, just unexpected. Anyway, are you sure, with the risks and all?” she asks. He shrugs, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms over his chest. 

 

“I’m sure. I want as few ties to Cerberus as possible. This visor…If you are going to be anything at all to me, be it a friend or…something else, then I cannot have these…reminders,” he says. She purses her lips, her fingers drumming against the underside of the desk. 

 

“I’m not going to stop you, and I’ll give you the money you need. I look after my own. But I swear to God, if you go blind from this, I’m not playing seeing eye dog for you,” she says, and the relief that washes over him is almost overwhelming. 

 

“Thank you. I needed this, Allie, more than you know,” he breathes. 

 

“I can imagine. But for your sake, I hope it goes well. Do you know what it’ll involve?” she asks. 

 

“They’ll have to use the current tissue in my eyes to grow a new pair. That part will be easy. The difficult part will be getting them to connect to the right receptors. There’s not a sure chance that it’ll take, and even if it does, there’ll be a short recovery period of a week,” he explains. 

 

“We’ll be at the Citadel in a few days. I can get Chakwas to schedule it tonight- she’s got contacts and we can get it done as soon as possible,” she tells him, before pushing off from the desk. She nearly stumbles, but she catches herself just in time. 

 

“Thank you. You’ve done so much for me already,” he says, but she reaches up and pats his shoulder affectionately. 

 

“I’m just going to pretend you’d have done the same for me,” she says. 

 

“…I tried to kill you in an alley,” he reminds her. 

 

“We all make mistakes,” she says, shrugging, but there is amusement glittering in her eyes. He snorts, watching as she limps back to her bed. She throws herself backwards, groaning as she sinks into the mattress. 

 

“I should go,” he says, moving towards the door. 

 

“Stay,” she asks, and he turns to look back at her. 

 

“Oh?” he asks, and there is another fragile, sacred thing between them. 

 

“I could use the company. You’re not so bad, actually,” she says, and there is a soft smile on his face as he makes his way back to the bed, shrugging out of his coat and leaving it draped over the back of the desk chair. 

 

“I suppose that could be arranged, then,” he says, and he crawls onto the bed next to her. She curls around him automatically, resting against him, the two of them looking up at the stars. 

 

“I never got all the details of…of your death. Reports just said you were spaced. What happened?” he asks. 

 

“Cerberus attacked. They destroyed the Normandy, and I was helping Joker into a pod. There was an explosion, and then he was gone and I was floating. It was…peaceful,” she says. 

 

“Do you have nightmares about it? About dying?” he asks. 

 

“Sometimes. They’re never…they’re never that bad. The worst ones are about Torfan,” she confesses, and for a moment he wonders what it is that is so bad about Torfan. She’d done much worse things since. 

 

“How often do you have the nightmares?” he asks. 

 

“A lot. Sometimes I can get drunk enough or tired enough that I don’t dream at all. The crew…I can tell they’re worried. I never used to drink this much. But since the war, since the Illusive Man…it’s all gotten worse,” she says, taking a deep and ragged breath. 

 

“You seemed to sleep well last night,” he says, because she’d barely moved throughout the night, even when he’d woken up disoriented. She’d looked years younger in her sleep, peaceful. He didn’t have the heart to disturb her, so he’d pulled the blanket over them and gone back to sleep. 

 

“I did. I don’t know if it’s because someone else was there or if I just got lucky,” she says. 

 

“Well, if it’s because you need company, you could always get a dog,” he suggests, but there is laughter in his voice. 

 

“…Don’t laugh, that’s a good idea. Why didn’t I think of that before? Kai, we have to get a dog,” she says, tilting her head up to look at him. 

 

“We?” he asks. 

 

“Yes. You gave me the idea so you have to help take care of it to,” she says. 

 

“Deal. On one condition,” he says. 

 

“What’s that?” she asks. 

 

“It has to be a German Shepard,” he tells her. She hits him with her pillow, but she is laughing and so is he and neither of them have felt this light in a long time. 

* * *

Chakwas schedules the surgery without much difficulty. Allison promises that she will be there the entire time, as close as her Spectre status will give her access to. He doesn’t tell her how much better that makes him feel, but he is both relieved and nervous when the ship heads for the Citadel. 

 

He meets with Kelly a few hours before they reach the station. He isn’t sure what she wants to know, why she keeps probing into his mind. He answers as honestly as he can, tells her why he joined Cerberus and what the Illusive Man did to him and by the end Kelly is looking at him with wide and sympathetic eyes. 

 

“If you ever need me for anything, don’t hesitate. And if…if you need me after the surgery, I’ll visit you as soon as Allie gives me the all-clear,” she promised. him, and somehow that, too, makes him feel better. 

 

“Thank you. I appreciate it, but don’t feel as though you need to worry yourself over me. Allison’s worry is more than enough for several people,” he said, and Kelly had given him a wide grin. 

 

“She does tend to worry a lot,” Kelly had agreed, and then Kai had gone his separate way. 

 

Allison walked him to the hospital the morning of his surgery, fresh off the Normandy. “I’ll be right here, in the waiting room, the whole time,” she promises. 

 

“It’ll be hours, Allie. If you don’t want to, don’t feel like you have to wait,” he told her. He wanted her to wait, though. He wanted her there when he woke up, too, but he’d sooner cut his own tongue out before admitting it. 

 

“I want to. And I’ll kick their asses if they mess this up for you,” she said, that crooked grin on her face, and then the doctors led him back to the surgery rooms and began administering the anesthesia. They went over the side effects and possible risks with him, told him that he’d wake in darkness and continue to be like that for a week. He knew these things already, and instead of focusing on what the doctor was telling him, he focused on his breathing, on calming himself down. 

 

Soon, the anesthesia took effect, and Kai dreamt. 

 

_ He dreamt of the Alliance before he was discharged and he dreamt of the Illusive Man and Cerberus. He dreamt of nights spent waiting for a mark, waiting for a fight, and he dreamt of battles that passed in a blur of blue and red and bullets. He dreamt of metal clashing, and he dreamt of her, too, of Allison, and her soft brown hair and her crooked grin and her amber eyes and how she looked in the soft glow of the fish tank. He dreamt of her laugh and the cocky set of her jaw and the way she clenched her teeth before tossing back another glass of whiskey. He dreamt of the way she'd looked up at him the other day when she stepped out of the shower, and he dreamt of what it would be like when they finally stopped skirting around it and kissed _

 

When he woke, it was to the sound of her voice, and he surged towards consciousness, towards her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> at this point i don't even know if their relationship is progressing in a normal way. that's why i'm trying to include a lot of time skips. i don't know at this point. i'm trying. 
> 
> i will try to focus more on their time as enemies (since this is an enemies-to-friends-to-lovers fic) in flashbacks. 
> 
> also i'm making a lot of headcanons for this so just roll w/ them. if you need any clarification on backstories or whatever feel free to ask!!


	7. favorite record

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's threatened rape during allison's dream sequence, abuse, and then attempted rape (although the last one is vauge.) it's just part of her backstory, nothing major, so if you don't want to read, just let me know and i can explain what happens

When he wakes, she is sitting beside his bed, reading poetry. He was never fond of poetry, it wasn’t something he knew well, he’d never enjoyed reading it, but he thought that maybe it wasn’t so bad coming from her. His hand twitched in hers, and he shifted just enough for her to turn her attention to him. “Are you awake?” she asks. 

“Yeah,” he answers, and his voice is hoarse and rough. She squeezes his hand, and he can feel her moving closer. He tries to open his eyes, tries to see, but then he remembers and he can feel the panic sweeping towards him. 

“Allison, I can’t see. I can’t see, and I…” he says, trailing off, and she presses a kiss to his cheek. 

“Hey, stay with me, pal. You knew it’d be like this,” she reminds him, and he nods, squeezing her hand tightly. 

“I-I know, it’s just…I don’t think I was ready,” he says. The beeping of the monitors speeds up, likely with his heart rate. 

“You’re safe here. I’m here. I’m not leaving, either,” she tells him, and somehow that loosens the tight grip that fear has on his chest. He takes a deep breath and lets it out in a slow exhale. 

“I didn’t think it’d be so…like this,” he says. He can picture the crooked grin on her face as she shifts in her chair, her hand never letting go of his. 

“Well, I hate to break it to you, but I’ve gotten really hot since you went blind,” she says, and he cannot stop the laugh that bursts from somewhere deep inside. 

“You were hot before,” he tells her, and she is selfishly grateful that he cannot see the blush on her cheeks. 

“Oh, I don’t know about that,” she answers, and he can hear the cocky bravado lacing through her voice. 

“I do,” he tells her, and his thumb ghosts over her knuckles. She doesn’t bother fighting her smile. 

* * *

That night, she sleeps curled up in the armchair next to his bed. He tried to get her to join her on the bed. The doctors wouldn’t let her. So she pulled the chair as close as she could get it and curled up, her hand still in his. 

And she dreams. 

_They are on the Citadel again and it burns around them. “You don’t have to do this!” she calls out to Kai, but this is not the man she knows, and his sword gleams wickedly in the too-bright lights. Then Thane is curled over on the floor and the blade gleams red and Allison wonders why she wasn’t good enough to stop it, to stop him. Time slows, and she can feel Thane’s rasping, choking breaths as if she is the one dying. The blood around his fingers is bright and hot. She wishes it was hers._

When she wakes, it is with a gasp as she takes her hand away from his. His face is unlined, unworried, and he looks peaceful. She wonders why she doesn’t hate him. She wonders what Thane would think, would say, if he knew how close she was getting to the man who murdered him. She curls from the chair and picks up the poetry book from the bedside. 

It had been a gift from Thane, and she runs her fingers over the embossed letters on the cover. She remembers late nights in the life support room, the thrum of the ship reverberating in her bones as they talk of great poets and great philosophers and great heroes. She had gifted him a book full of human myths. 

She doesn’t think he ever got to finish it. 

She goes into the bathroom and she cries, something inside her breaking all over again. 

* * *

In the morning, she is sitting by his bed again. Her eyes are red and swollen and bloodshot, but he isn’t able to see her like this. He reaches for her hand. She lets him take it, but she wonders how much longer she can do this. “Sleep well?” he asks, and she looks over at him, at his tousled hair and bandaged eyes and the easy grin splitting his lips. She thinks she should hate him. She thinks she should hate herself for not being able to hate him. 

“I could have slept better. These chairs aren’t the most comfortable,” she says, lightly, because anything else is too much. 

“You could have gone back to the Normandy,” he tells her, but the way his hand tightens around hers makes her think he doesn’t mean it. She swallows heavily, turning to look out the window at the artificial sunlight streaming through the window. 

“I wanted to be here in case you needed me,” she says. She must sound wrong, though, because she can feel him shift and sit up and reach out hesitantly for her. She leans towards his touch automatically. 

“Are you okay?” he asks her, his voice soft. 

“I…don’t know,” she admits, and he is trying to tug her closer. She thinks about resisting. She thinks about getting up and walking out. She lets him pull her into his lap, and she settles against him. 

“What’s wrong?” he asks, and his voice is patient and gentle. 

“I dreamed about Thane,” she whispers, and she can feel Kai tense. 

“…I’m sorry,” he says. This time, she shrugs away from him, out of his grip, and stands, pacing back and forth by the bedside. She is always within reach, always close enough to touch. 

“So am I. I’m just as responsible for his death as you are. I should have stepped in. I should have done something. Instead, I let my terminally ill friend take the fall,” she says, and there is a stiffness in her words. 

“It isn’t your fault. You can’t save everyone, Allison, and it’s not your job to save them,” he tells her. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, counting to ten in her head. 

“That doesn’t make the weight of it any easier to bear,” she confesses, her hands clenched tight, half-moons from her nails pressed into her palms. 

“No,” he answers, “it never does.” 

Allison doesn’t leave. Kai lets the subject drop.

* * *

It is a long week, longer than Allison was prepared for. Kelly stops by to sit with Kai several times, allowing Allison time to go eat and shower and sleep in her own home. She started to protest. Even Kai told her she needed time alone. 

So she goes and she sleeps and showers and eats and she is alone for the first time in months. She compartmentalizes her thoughts, puts them away to deal with later. She finds it makes it easier to breathe. She schedules an appointment at an animal shelter on Earth. She thinks a dog will make it easier, too. 

She insists on being there when they remove Kai’s bandages. The lights have been dimmed, and the first think his blinking eyes seek out is her. “It’s so blurry,” he says, but he reaches towards her and she laces her fingers through his. 

“It will be, for a few days, until your eyes adjust. You’ll be fine for most days, though. Check in with your doctor often- if there’s any pain or irritation, contact them immediately,” the nurse tells him.

“I live on a warship. Is the medic good enough?” he asks. 

“If you have that sort of access to her, that’s even better. I wish you luck,” she tells him, and once the paperwork has been processed he is out of the hospital, a pair of sunglasses on that Allison had given him. 

She links her arm through his and leads him back to Normandy. “You can stay in my cabin until you can see again,” she says. 

“What about shore leave?” he asks her. He see well enough to catch her smile. 

“We’re going to Earth for the rest of it,” she tells him, and she does not miss the wide look of wonder in his eyes. 

* * *

* * *

Kai sleeps on the bed. Allison insists on sleeping on the couch- she is too restless at night, she kicks and she tosses and she turns, and it will be best if he can sleep without that. So he sleeps on the bed, and she sleeps on the couch, and she dreams. 

_ A long time ago, there was a girl. She had black hair and pale skin, made paler by recurring illnesses and little sun, and her head is in Allison’s lap. Allison is young, but she is scarred already, and there is a tattoo running down the length of her side that marks how many people she has killed. It is a rough thing, red with the newness of another mark. The girl has her head in her lap, her hand tangled with hers, and she is restless even in her sleep.  _

_ Allison had never been the type to pray. She’d learned long ago that God wasn’t real- she was the only one who could help herself. But the girl is breathing shallowly and there is a rattling in her lungs, and for the first time in a long time, Allison prays.  _

_ The scene shifts and changes, another one bleeding into it. Jackson has her pinned to the wall, a knife to her throat and a hand up her shirt. “Get the fuck away from me,” Allison snarls, kicking weakly at him. He dodges easily, and his hand doesn’t leave her breasts. She has gone too long without food to put up a real fight. His grip is so tight that she thinks he will leave bruises, but she will not go easily, she will not give up, she will fight.  _

_ “Kill the bitch, or you’ll find out just how much further I’m willing to make you go, little girl,” Jackson snarls, and he lets her fall to the ground. She yanks her shirt back into place violently- the glare she gives him is scathing in its intensity.  _

_ The scene changes again and she is in a dirty and dark alley with the girl. She is looking up at the stars, and the gun in Allison’s hand is the heaviest thing in the world. “Jackson’s making me, Jess. He didn’t give me a choice,” Allison says, and Jess turns to look at her with that wide-eyed gaze and a soft, sad smile.  _

_ “I know. It’s okay. You just do what you need to do,” Jess tells her, and Allison closes her eyes before she presses the trigger. Her aim is good, it always is, it has to be, and there is blood blooming bright and hot and wet across Jess’s chest as she stumbles and falls and Allison is there in an instant, her hands pressing over the wound as she cries.  _

_ “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” she whimpers, and in the end it doesn’t matter because Jackson does whatever he wants. At first, she is only a glorified servant. She does so, not completely willingly, but it gives her a good meal and a warm bed at the end of the night. He starts to hit her, later, and when he tries to bend her across his desk she slips a knife between his ribs._

Allison wakes with a scream, and then Kai is there, stumbling towards her. She is shaking and drawing in on herself even before she comes into awareness. “Allison! What is it? What’s wrong?” he asks, and she pulls away from him violently before burying her face in her knees and screaming. It is a sharp, ragged sound. 

It is a long while before she can calm herself down, before her screams turn into sobs and then into weak gasps. “I’m sorry,” she says, and then she is uncurling herself and stumbling towards the shower. 

“Allie, what happened? Are you okay?” Kai asks, and his voice is soft and gentle and Allison almost starts crying all over again. 

“No. I’m not,” she answers, and the water is on and soaking through her clothes. It is scalding hot, and she closes her eyes. She hears a rustling behind her, and then Kai is there, careful not to touch her. 

“Allie,” he says, desperately, and she shakes her head. 

“It’s nothing. Just an old ghost that won’t go away,” she says, and she has to remind herself that Jackson never touched this body. The one he’d touched had been burned away in the black void over Alchera and she’d been rebuilt. 

“It’s not nothing if it’s doing this to you,” Kai says, and Allison sighs, the air leaving her body all at once. She braces herself against the wall, pressing her face into the crook of her arm. She reaches out and shuts off the water. 

“It was a long time ago. When I was with the Reds. There was…a girl, and she was always sick. Jackson was the leader at the time. He told me to kill her, or he was going to...well, I'm sure you can imagine. In the end, it didn't matter anyway. I was a glorified servant until he went back on his word. I put a knife in his heart and took over the gang,” she says. Something shifts and changes in her, and she realizes that Kai is the first person she has ever told. 

“I’m…I’m sorry,” he says, and she turns to look at him. 

“It’s okay. I’m okay,” Allison says, and she is, for the first time in a long time. 

Kai gives her a grin. “Well, if you don’t get out of those wet clothes and into some dry ones, you’ll be sick before long,” he says, and Allison is so startled that she laughs. 

* * *

* * *

It has been far too long since she has been to Earth, and she is glad that they are near the beach. She buys a bathing suit, wears it under her clothes, and then she drags Kai to the shelter. 

“Which one do you want?” she asks quietly, kneeling in front of one of the kennels. An old mutt is laying inside, her tail wagging softly. 

“You pick,” he tells her, and a german shepherd barks in a nearby kennel to get her attention. She shares a look with Kai, and grins. 

“Him. I want that one,” she says, and Kai groans but when they let the dog out of his kennel, he doesn’t jump on him or slobber everywhere and Kai has to admit that it’s not a bad choice. 

“I guess he’s a winner,” he murmurs, reaching down to ruffle the dog’s fur. He barks once, contentedly, and Allison grins. 

* * *

She names the dog Sergeant, calls him Sarge, and spoils him the second they’re away from the shelter. She drags them to the beach, next, and when she strips down to her bathing suit Kai has to take a moment to look away. 

He can’t tell who’s happier to be there in the sun on the sand- Allison, or the dog. They are both running and playing and soaking wet, and when Allison flings herself at Kai in a dramatic hug that was really just an excuse to soak him, he can’t even pretend to be angry. The dog showers them both in the water he shakes from his fur, and Kai looks and Allison and wonders how he ended up here. 


	8. suspicious minds

It is easy to fall into a routine. Allison picks up jobs as fast as they can complete them, and people begin clamoring for their services. A lot of the jobs get easier- there are less gun fights and more long trips to collect things. She starts taking the dog on the safer ones, leaves him behind under the care of Oriana Lawson on the ones that aren’t. She alternates between team members, make sure they’re all still willing to work and work together. Kai starts to fit in better with the crew, too, and that is something neither of them expected. 

 

She makes sure to give them a lot of shore leave, too. During the war, they hardly had time to catch their breath, and she’s sure most of them would rather be laying in the sun relaxing than still fighting with her. Still, she couldn’t think of any others that she would rather have by her side. 

* * *

The first time Kai feels like he belongs is on a weekly poker night, two months after Sarge joined the crew. Allison had lost early on, and opted out of losing any more money, so she was spread out on the couch, watching them. 

 

Kai won for the fifth time in a row. 

 

“Damn, Leng, you sure those new eyes of yours aren’t letting you see our cards?” Garrus asks, throwing his onto the table. Kai freezes for half a second, afraid the accusation is serious, afraid that there is still some animosity between them. It is then that Garrus’s mandibles twitch in what passes for a grin, and Kai is startled by the laughter that bubbles up from somewhere deep in his chest. 

 

“Oh, I don’t know Garrus, maybe I’m just that good,” he says, but there is warmth in the turian’s gaze instead of cold and calculating anger and Kai realizes that these people are almost a family to him. He glances over at Allison, and there is a faint grin on her face that makes him think she knows, too. 

* * *

They are in a rare gunfight against batarian mercenaries when Kai truly feels like he belongs. The mission had gone sideways, like it always does, and they were very nearly surrounded. Allison had brought him, T’Soni, and Vakarian along on the mission, and Liara had jumped out of cover to send a singularity flying at the largest group. 

 

A grenade came flying back. It was only a flashbang, but Kai pulled her back into cover sharply, twisting around so he took the brunt of it. He was dazed for a good few moments, and when his vision cleared, Liara was hovering over him, concern evident in her eyes. 

 

“I’m okay,” he slurs, and fires a few rounds at the approaching mercenaries to prove his point. 

 

She frowns. “Rest for a couple of moments. Catch your breath. I can keep them off you,” she says. He opens his mouth to tell her that isn’t necessary, but at her insistent gaze, he lets the matter drop. She empties her clip at the batarians, and at least three of them fall. She follows up with a shockwave before dropping back into cover. 

 

They share a look, and then, after Kai checks to make sure the way is clear, move into the next cover together. 

* * *

The next time Allison has a nightmare, she finds herself in Kelly’s office. It is entirely too late, and had Kelly not been awake already, she might have felt guilty. As it were, the two women were sitting in their pajamas at Kelly’s desk, a blanket wrapped around Allison’s shoulders. 

 

“It was about Jackson. And Thane,” she murmurs. 

 

“I see,” Kelly says. 

 

“I’m more worried about drinking. I…It’s getting bad, Kelly. I’m not sure what to do,” she says, picking at the edge of the blanket. 

 

“I was wondering when you’d open up about it,” the red-head says. Allison narrows her eyes. 

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

 

“Oh, come on, Allie. The entire crew has noticed. Garrus and Liara have mentioned it to me _and_ Dr. Chakwas. Kai mentioned it in his last session. We’re all worried,” Kelly says. 

 

Allison sighs, curling in on herself. “I just…never knew what else to do. The nightmares have been worse, lately,” she explains. 

 

“So you need better coping mechanisms?” Kelly asks. 

 

“…Yes. Honestly, I’ve been thinking of disbanding this entire thing, We’ve all got things we need to work out. I’m sure Garrus would like to go back to Palaven, or even Rannoch with Tali. Liara’s got her father back on Thessia. Miri and Ori probably want a normal life, same with Joker and EDI,” she says. 

 

“I can see where you’re coming from, Allie, but don’t make any rash decisions. You should consult with everyone before deciding to completely disband this operation you have going,” Kelly says. 

 

“Of course. I’m just thinking about it now, wondering what I want and how I’d feel. Speaking of Tali, I was thinking of heading back to Rannoch for our next shore leave. It’ll be good to see her again. What do you think?” she asks. 

 

“Well, we are due for some shore leave pretty soon. I think she’d like to see everyone, as well. I don’t see why not. And, in the mean time, I can send you a list of coping mechanisms to try. Might I also suggest you try talking with Kai? He’s seen a lot of this already, and it might help both of you,” she says. Allison shrugs. 

 

“I’ll try. I’ve never been good at talking about what’s bothering me. Kai’s…different, though. Easier to talk to. Maybe because we’re both so fucked up,” she says. 

 

“He did tell me he found comfort in the friendship you two have,” Kelly says. 

 

“I just wonder…how would Thane feel? Kai killed him, and here I am, getting cozy with him. It’s just…Should I have invited him onto the Normandy?” Allison asks. 

 

“Oh, Allie, is that what’s bothering you?” Kelly asks, reaching across her desk and taking her friend’s hand. 

 

“…It’s one of the things, yes. God, I’ve been wondering this whole time,” she says, and she almost crumples. 

 

“Allison, Thane was always one to give second chances when people deserved it. If he could, he showed mercy. You knew him better than any of us. I think he would have approved,” she tells her. 

 

“Are you sure?” Allison asks, and there is something small in her voice. 

 

“Yes. If I’d known this was the problem…God, Allie, I’d have talked to you a long time ago about this. There’s nothing wrong with what you’ve done. You saw a man who’d fallen on hard times and you’ve given him a second chance. I saw his psych profile when I worked with Cerberus. He’s almost a different man now,” Kelly tells her, her thumb rubbing across Allison’s knuckles. 

 

Allison tries valiantly not to cry, but it’s a battle she loses as tears streak down her face. She doesn’t bother to wipe them away. 

* * *

She tries to stop drinking. She turns down beer during the crew’s weekly poker games in the observation deck, she has Kai hide all the bottles stashed all over her room, and she gets someone to put a lock on the liquor cabinet in the mess hall. Some nights it easier than others. Some nights all it takes is a shower so hot it is just short of scalding and a hot cup of tea or coffee or chocolate and maybe a cigarette before the feelings inside of her have calmed down. 

 

Other nights, that isn’t enough. Other nights Allison thinks that the only thing that will help her calm down is a good fight or a good fuck and she can’t get either of them on Normandy. The punching bags in the armory only do so much for her because there are no punches to dodge and no way to fully immerse herself. 

 

It is one of those nights when Kai finds her in the armory, her hair pulled back into a messy bun and sweat dripping. She’s hitting hard, with everything in her, and it still isn’t _enough_. He doesn’t speak until she steps back to take a breather. 

 

“You know,” he says, quietly, a half-grin on his face, “it’s been a long time since we’ve fought,” he says. She takes a moment and looks at him, nearly taken aback. 

 

“You want to spar?” she asks, almost incredulous. He steps forward, and she realizes he’s already dressed for this. Either he knew, or EDI told him. Right now, she is too exhausted and too lost in herself to care. 

 

“Of course. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a good workout,” he tells her, and he thinks that he’ll remember the way her face lit up until he dies. 

 

Sparring with Kai is different than sparring with anyone else. Allison loves her crew, she trusts them with her life, she knows they are more than capable. But she has metal woven into her bones and her muscles have been reinforced. She can hit harder and take more hits than most of her crew, and she always finds herself pulling punches with them. Kai, though, has had the same modifications. He can hit just as hard and he can take her hits unwaveringly. She doesn’t have to hold back. Neither does he. 

 

She has never been so enthused to fight all around the armory, fighting almost as hard as she does in a real battle. Allison Shepard never does anything by halves, and that includes sparring. Kai, for the record, is giving as good as he is getting and Allison is thrilled by how perfectly matched they are. 

 

She is caught off-guard when the lights flicker on and a flash of blue sends Kai hurtling away from her until he thumps against the wall. She stops, confused. That hadn’t been her biotics, surely, and it isn’t until Miranda walks into her line of vision that she understands. Her CO’s face is twisted in anger. 

 

“Finally decided to mutiny, Leng?” she asks, her voice full of venom and steel. 

 

“Christ, Miri, we were sparring,” Allison says, and it is only then that her legs start to move, and she is running towards Kai, kneeling next to him, checking him automatically for any injuries. 

 

“I…you were? He wasn’t trying to hurt you?” she asks. 

 

“No! Of course not! I…he was helping me,” she replies. Kai is, thankfully, injury-free, but Allison doesn’t doubt that if he were anyone else he’d have some broken some bones. 

 

“My apologies then,” Miri says, although there is an icy coldness in her voice. Allison meets Kai’s gaze, and there is something lurking in the depths of it. 

 

“It’s…we’ll talk about this in the morning,” she says, instead of anything else that she might have. She pulls Kai to his feet, and they head towards the elevator together. 

* * *

“You really aren’t upset?” Allison asks him, an hour later after they have both showered and scrubbed the sweat from their skin. They are in the port observation room, overlooking the stars. Allison’s duvet is wrapped around them both and they each have a cup of hot chocolate. 

 

“No. I might be part of this crew now, but I don’t think anyone is going to forget where I came from,” he says. She shifts until she can rest her head on his shoulder. He freezes, then, unsure of what might come next. They both keep their eyes trained forward on the stars. 

 

“That doesn’t matter anymore. The past doesn’t define us,” she says, and there is an old bitterness laced through her words. Cautiously, Kai reaches out and links his fingers through her. 

 

“I know. It just gives us the starting point for who we’re going to be,” he murmurs, and he glances down at her. He thinks, then, that he’d gladly be slammed against a wall a thousand times for this, for them, for _her_. 

 

In the morning, Miri finds them curled up in the floor together, Allison sprawled over Kai’s chest. She shakes her head, almost fondly, before backing out and having EDI lock the door. She thinks they could both use the sleep. 


	9. into the inevitable

Rannoch was beautiful. It was something Allison hadn’t noticed when she was fighting the geth in a desperate attempt to secure quarian aid in the war. It had ended peacefully, surprisingly, but she had only taken a few seconds to catch her breath before she was moving on, fighting the next battle. It felt like it had been a long time. 

 

The quarian settlements were loud and noisy and bustling, and Allison felt like a caged and wild animal about ten minutes after being shown her room. She stayed for awhile, talked to Tali and visited Legion’s grave, but at the first chance she got, she fled. She was sitting on the edge of a cliff, now, overlooking the ocean. 

 

She didn’t know he was there until she felt the air move beside her but she knew it was him. “Beautiful, isn’t it?” Kai asks, sitting down next to her, and she can feel herself smile. The evening sun was still warm even as it painted the horizon. 

 

“It is. Almost painfully domestic,” she says,  but she knows there is nothing domestic about the planet. It is wild and it is free, but it certainly looked idyllic and sometimes, that was enough. 

 

“Domestic makes a nice change from life on a warship,” he remarks, and Allison almost thinks that there is something more there. 

 

“Yeah. It looks like a place to settle down. Raise a family,” she murmurs. 

 

“I suppose it does,” he agrees, and there is a moment of silence before she speaks again. 

 

“Have you ever thought about having kids?” she asks. She swallows the lump that tries to lodge itself in her throat. 

 

There is a moment before he answers, a moment when all she can hear is the sound of the waves beating against the cliffside down below. She wonders how deep the water is. “I haven’t. I never thought about it when I was growing up, and a career with Cerberus wasn’t something that fostered the idea of a family,” he tells her. 

 

“What about now?” she asks, before she can stop herself. 

 

“…It’d be nice, with the right person,” he says, and she almost asks who. She doesn’t. “What about you?” he asks. 

 

“…I can’t have kids. I…Cerberus rebuilt me, but they couldn’t get me perfect. They couldn’t…that was the one thing they couldn’t put back together,” she says. He is still for a moment, and she wonders if he knows how much of herself she just gave to him. 

 

“That’s a pity. You’d make a great mother,” he says, after a few heartbeats. She snorts. 

 

“I can’t even take care of myself,” she mumbles. Still, there is a part of her that wished. 

 

“I didn’t mean right this moment,” he says, but there is a teasing smile on his face as she nudges him playfully with her shoulder. 

 

“Hey, there’s always adoption. Maybe when I’m old and gray and can barely run the ship, I can get a new crew and adopt a kid. Spoil them rotten, let everyone else handle the hard work,” she says, and there is something in the idea that softens the bitterness she’d held inside for so long. 

 

“I hope you plan on keeping some of the old crew around,” he says, lightly, but there is an undercurrent of fear. He doesn’t want to let this go. 

 

“I hope some of them plan to keep me around. Garrus came to me the other day. He’s thinking of settling down on Rannoch and leaving the crew,” she admits. There is something in her voice, too, and Kai thinks that they are both clinging desperately to what they have while it is there. 

 

“Well, I think I’ll stick around as long as you’ll let me,” he says, almost loftily. There is still that undercurrent there, but when Allison takes his hand in hers he can feel it easing. 

 

“It may end up being us against the world,” she says, a familiar half-smile on her face. As his thumb ghosts over her knuckles, he thinks that sounds nice.

* * *

Garrus doesn’t come with them when they leave Rannoch. He stays with Tali and waves goodbye and Allison holds herself together long enough to get to her cabin before she is crying. She is happy for Garrus, of course, she is glad that he has someone he loves enough to settle down, but she misses him already. 

 

It is no surprise when Kai comes to her room two hours later. “If you want to be alone, I can go,” he says, one step inside the door, but she smiles and wipes her eyes, reaching out for him. 

 

“Don’t,” she says, and he sits on the couch next to her. She curls against him automatically, nestling into his side as he wraps an arm around her. 

 

“You okay?” he asks. She sniffs and wipes her eyes again. 

 

“Yeah it’s just…I’m going to miss him. Garrus was a good friend,” she says, and he smiles to himself, running his hand through her hair. 

 

“You can still see him, Allie. He’s just on Rannoch now,” he reminds her, gently. She looks up at him and then shifts until she is sitting in his lap, facing him. He brushes her hair out of her face and wonders how they made it to this point. 

 

“Maybe we should all settle down,” she says. He suddenly thinks that he would like nothing more than to settle down somewhere with her. 

 

“We?” he asks, and he is almost breathless. He doesn’t think he has ever wanted anything more. 

 

“Us against the world, remember?” she says, a soft smile curving her lips upwards. His hands rest lightly on her hips and he looks up at her, framed by the soft glow of the aquarium. 

 

“Us against the world,” he agrees, and he doesn’t think he has ever felt so relieved. 

* * *

She gets sick before she can take another job. It is nothing major, merely a cold, but Allison has never dealt well with sickness. Before the Alliance it was a weakness and afterwards it was an inconvenience. She gives the crew another shore leave, indefinite this time, and she stays in the captain’s cabin, burrowing under the covers. It was the fifth day that he came, knocking on her door for ten minutes before giving up and keying in the code. He was, aside from EDI, the only other person on the ship who had access to her cabin. He was a little smug. 

 

“Go away,” she says, her voice hoarse. Her throat was sore, her body ached, and she could hardly breathe for all the snot in her nose. He walked into the room like it was normal, and he realized with a start that it was. He’d lost count of the number of times he’d strolled into Allison’s room. 

 

“EDI said you weren’t feeling well,” he says, and Allison huffs, curling into an even tighter ball under the blankets. She has three more than usual on her bed and she was still so cold. Kai frowned in sympathy and started removing his coat and his boots. 

 

“I’m not,” she says, finally, as he stands and makes his way to the edge of her bed, reaching out and pushing her hair off of her sweat-slick forehead. Her body aches despite the painkillers she’d taken before and she almost thinks she’d have rather taken a bullet or several.

 

“How bad is it? Do I need to call Dr. Chakwas up?” he asks. She makes a face at him. 

 

“Don’t you dare, Leng. I’ll kick your ass,” she threatens. The threat is mitigated, however, by the coughing fit the statement sends her into. He says nothing until it’s over, only holding her hair back and helping her sit up. She shivers against him. 

 

“I don’t think you can even get out of bed right now. You might have to postpone that ass-kicking,” he tells her, grinning faintly. He lets his hand rest against her forehead for a moment, and the heat of her fever makes him frown. 

 

“I’d find a way to manage,” she mumbles, but she collapses back on the bed, exhausted already. He coaxes her into scooting over enough to slide under the covers beside her, pulling her against his chest. 

 

“What the hell are you doing?” she asks, but her voice is weak and lacking any sort of venom. If he didn’t know better, he’d almost think there was a fondness in her tone. 

 

“Do you want me to go?” he asks, one eyebrow raised. She lets out a huff, but sinks deeper into the bed and the nest of blankets, relaxing against him. 

 

“Never,” she admits, and it is only a few moments before she shifts, turning over until she is facing him and burying her face in his chest. 

 

“Go to sleep, Allie. I’ll be here when you wake up,” he promises, and she is nearly asleep when he presses a kiss to the top of her head. She lets out a soft sound and moves even closer, throwing one leg over his and wrapping an arm around his waist. 

* * *

She is better before long but she isn’t ready to give up the shore leave just yet. She makes it a proper vacation for the entire crew, and there are days when she only leaves her cabin to go to the mess hall and get something to eat. Often, Kai spends these days with her in a nest of blankets on her bed. 

 

It is one of these days when she steps out of the shower, in nothing but her underwear. Kai watches her from the bed. He tries not to stare, but the glowing red scars spiderwebbing across her skin catches his eyes. They’d started to fade over the last few weeks, but they were no less enchanting. 

 

She caught him looking and grinned. “Like what you see?” she asks, almost smug. 

 

“Well, I’m certainly not complaining,” he replies, sitting up. The atmosphere shifts as she walks slowly towards him, and he pointedly looks her up and down. There is something almost electric between them in this moment, and the silence grows louder as she reaches him. She is nearly breathless as she straddles his lap, his hands falling automatically to her hips. He tilts his head up to look at her. 

 

“Can I kiss you?” she asks, one hand pressed to his chest. The smile he gives her is endearing in it’s playfulness. 

 

“Please,” he says, and then their lips are pressed together, his hand drifting up her back as one of hers clutches the loose fabric of his shirt. He shifts, moving them until her back is pressed against the mattress as he hovers over her. They pull apart briefly, foreheads resting together. 

 

“I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time,” he tells her. She grins up at him. 

 

“Christ, Leng, I’ve been waiting for you to do that,” she says. He laughs, kissing her again before rolling off of her. He links his fingers with hers as she curls closer. 

 

“I suppose the wait is over, then,” he says, a faint smile on his face. She rests her head against his chest, the thrum of his heart in her ear. 

 

“I suppose it is,” she answers, and she doesn’t think she has ever smiled this much. 

 

It is her hand in his, fingers tangled together, that make her think she has a starting point for who she could be. 


	10. bad enough for you

The crew was, admittedly, unsurprised. They’d suspected something between Allison and Kai for a long time, and they’d even started taking bets on how long it’d be before one of them finally did something about it. Even though he’d become one of them, there were still a few who weren’t fond of their new relationship, even though little changed. Miranda quietly disagreed, and Liara was worried. Then again, Liara had helped Allison pick up the pieces of her heart once Thane had died, and they’d never quite moved past friends. Miranda was just waiting for the shoe to drop- she knew Cerberus better than any of them, and even though Kai had been part of the Normandy for a while now, Miranda didn’t trust him. Kelly was delighted for the both of them, and so was EDI. For the first time, they were sure that Allison had something aside from anger to cling to. 

Nothing changed between them, or at least, nothing important. Kai was a lot more free with his affection around Allison, or maybe she was just hyperaware of his touches. It was the little things she noticed most now, though. The way he’d brush his hand across her lower back while he reached over her for milk in the mornings, or the reach for her hand whenever he could. He did move up to her cabin, though, scattering the few personal items he had among hers. It was a small, barely noticeable change because he spent so much time up there anyway, but Allison found herself smiling whenever she saw their clothes piled together in the corner or his soap next to hers in the bathroom. She’d never been one for domesticity, but with him she thought she’d try. 

* * *

She found that he took insanely long showers. “Did you take this long in the crew showers?” she grumbled one morning from just outside the door, her hands crossed over her chest. She was in nothing but a loose t-shirt and her underwear and she was waiting for her turn. 

 

“Not usually, no. But the water pressure in here is so much better,” he answered through the door. Allison could almost see his smug grin, and she let out a huff as she leaned against the wall. 

 

“Well, hurry up. I’d like to take a shower too,” she tells him. The door opens unexpectedly, steam swirling around her. 

 

“You could join me,” he says, and when she turns to look at him he’s got a crooked grin on his face. 

 

She hesitates for a moment before she marches a few steps forward and pulls him into a kiss, backing him into the bathroom. The door closes behind her, and water is soaking her t-shirt, but his lips are soft against hers and his hands are running over her back and she can’t think of anywhere else she’d rather be, even though she knows she’s got a dozen responsibilities to attend to.  

 

She pulls back long enough to let him tug her shirt over her head. It lands somewhere on the counter with a wet thump, knocking at least a dozen things over, but then he’s pressed up against her again and she can’t bring herself to care. He backs her up until she’s pressed between him and the cold wall of the shower, her fingers curling over his shoulders as the water streams down around them. He pulls back for a second, a breath of air between them, and Allison laughs. 

 

Kai stops, his lips hovering just over hers with a grin on his face. “I love you,” he whispers, and there is something sacred hanging in the air between them. Allison’s heart constricts in her chest as she tilts her head back to look up at him, the water making him glow under the harsh white light. Her hand comes up to cup his face, her thumb rubbing his cheekbones. 

 

“I love you too,” she murmurs, and then his lips are against hers again as her fingers tangle in his hair. It feels like she is standing her, her face tilted up towards his and her eyes shut, for an eternity before she forces herself to step backwards. It’s only been a minute or so, she knows, but she wishes she could stay here for the whole day, for the rest of time. He makes a soft sound of complaint in the back of his throat, his lips curling down into a frown, and Allison is pressing another kiss to his lips before she can stop herself. 

 

“Maybe we should move this to the bed,” Kai suggest, his voice almost a purr as he presses kisses down the line of her jaw. Her breath hitches in her throat, a thousand different scenarios running through her head. She’d never been interested in sex, not after Jackson and his terrible, awful threats, but with the way Kai is sucking a bruise onto her throat, she thinks she might like to try. She takes a deep breath and reaches behind him, flicking the water off. 

 

“Maybe we should,” she answers, half-breathless. Kai moves his kisses back up, until he’s hovering just over her lips with a hand cupping her face. 

 

“We’ll go slow. Tell me to stop if you get uncomfortable,” he tells her, and he doesn’t kiss her again until she nods her agreement. He also doesn’t seem to pay any mind to the way the water drips off of their skin as he backs her towards the bed, guiding her carefully until her knees hit the mattress before laying her down, pressing kisses wherever he can reach. He’d known she was covered in scars, but now they were stark against the flush of her skin and he almost couldn’t believe how many she had. He starts to trace them almost absentmindedly, the glow of her cybernetics peaking through in some places, and she laughs beneath him. 

 

“I’m ticklish, you ass,” she says, but she’s laughing as he kisses his way up her chest. 

* * *

It is two hours later that Allison finally stands up. The sheets are damp and tangled and Kai is laying on his back with a self-satisfied smirk. She rolls her eyes at him, tossing a pillow at him as she digs around in a drawer for a pair of underwear. 

 

“You don’t need to look so smug,” she grumbles, half to herself as she heads towards the bathroom to clean herself up. They hadn’t bothered to take any sort of precautions- Miranda had told Allison the Lazarus Project had been unable to find a way to restore her womb. 

 

“Come on, Allie, is that the way to treat the man who got you off five times in a row?” he asks, and she turns to look at him, one hand on her hip. 

 

“I swear to God, if you say anything about having a clever tongue, I’m kicking you out,” she threatens, but she’s laughing as he puts his arms behind his head, still grinning. 

 

“Whatever you say, babe,” he says, and she rolls her eyes again as she finally heads into the bathroom. Her thighs are sore and she knows she’s going to be feeling this for the next few days, but she thinks of the way Kai had linked his fingers through hers when she’d started to feel too vulnerable and smiles to herself. 

 

If Miranda notices something a little different about the way Allison holds herself, well, she doesn’t say anything. 

* * *

Liara T’Soni wants to go back to Thessia. 

 

“Any specific reason?” Allison asks, stretched out on a couch in Liara’s office. It had been Miranda’s, once, but the XO hadn’t seemed to interested in taking it back from the asari. 

 

“I wish to see my father. And I want her to meet someone,” Liara answers, hiding a smile behind a mug of coffee. 

 

“A secret admirer? T’Soni, have you been holding out on me?” she demands, but she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t a little delighted. 

 

“Not exactly. I’ve just been a little more discreet than you have,” she teases, and Allison laughs. 

 

“I have been a little tangled up in my own affairs recently. I hope you still know that I’m here for you, no matter what, and I’ll kick anyone’s ass that dares to hurt you,” she tells her. Liara smiles at her, sitting her mug down on the table. 

 

“I know. And happiness does look good on you, Allison,” she says, and Allison smiles back. 

 

“So, tell me a little about this mystery person,” she says, curling up on the couch. She could listen to Liara talk for hours- no matter what it was, you could always tell when the asari was passionate about it. 

 

“Well, I can’t be too specific, because they don’t wish for us to make our relationship public until after meeting my father, but I suppose I can tell you a little,” the asari says, an almost dreamy look in her eyes. Allison smiles and settles in for a good session of gossip and bonding. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry it took me so long to get this chapter finished i kept rewriting the damn thing and i'm still not satisfied but here it is anyway


End file.
